returning to work

My how much can change in the course of a month or two. I think of myself as a career-oriented, ambitious person. I've always tried very hard to succeed in my work, and always knew I did not want to stay home full time with my children, should I have any. Whenever I had time between positions, I was bored after a couple of days and missed the intensity and stimulation of my job. I remember the boredom of the long days of caring for children in my high school babysitting days, and never wanted that to be my life.

Even a month and a half ago, when I was struggling to understand new born Levi, I longed to be back at work. I dreaded the days I was left alone with him, because I knew it meant I might go all day without a moment's rest (this was before we could reliably get him to sleep).

At six weeks I went back to work part time. Now that we've moved I work from home, so the transition was pretty easy. He is napping much more now, and since I was coming off a long break, my workload was light. I could visit with him quite a bit on the Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays that I worked. However, this week, week eight, is my first week back full time. Luckily we have family in town this week and next to help watch Levi while my husband has class and I work, but the reality of working full time is setting in. We also interviewed nannies over the weekend to watch him three days a week. That was much more of an emotional process than I expected.

Just as I started to really enjoy my days alone with this beautiful, smiley, interesting little boy, I have to spend most of my waking hours behind the computer. It seems so wrong that we have to spend so much money to do something we both don't want to do. I realize how lucky I am that I get to be here at home, reducing commuting time and visiting with him, but right now it is a really hard transition. I know in a few years I'll be happy I kept my career going, and with one of us in school, not working really isn't an option. I still love my job- but it is just a little less interesting than this amazing son we have.

I'm hoping once we get into a routine it will be less hard, and I'm so grateful for the flexible situation that we do have. I'm hoping some interesting projects will come my way, and that I'll appreciate the time I do get for myself while working. It's so surprising how much your perspective and desires can change once you become a parent. It's a great lesson in learning not to assume you'll know what you'll want in the future. For now I will take one day at a time, and savor every moment I have with this little boy.